I did it!!!

For some reason this did not get posted last week... so I'm posting it now. I most certainly did not get up and walk this morning. I've been sick for two days. :(

Ok so I'm all about celebrating the small stuff-and believe you me this is small-but celebration worthy! I got up this morning at 5:30 and went for a mile long walk. What a difference it made in my day! Thank you Sophie and Abbey for being my walking partners.

I've also recently started taking zoloft (or some form of it) for my depression. I started Saturday morning and felt like there were butterflies in my whole body shaking it up. I was told that it may make me a little irritable and jittery... so it was not unexpected. However I didn't like the feeling so I looked at my day to see if I had done anything that would make me feel like that. I realized that I had two cups of coffee plus the zoloft no wonder I was a wreck! So for two days now I haven't had any coffee. I actually haven't had any really bad headaches yet so I'm hoping I can quit it. Its just hard cause I love it so! But I am starting to feel more like myself. I've been depressed so long I really forgot how it felt to be happy. I actually feel much more motivated than I felt last week so I'm hoping this week turns out better than last.

One important thing about weight loss is just to get more active. I'm trying to build in more actions in to my daily routine. I'm also starting to eat much healthier. I subscribed to this cool thing called Suburban Organics  and every week I get a fresh delivery of in season fruit and vegetables. I hope you are all doing well on your journey.

Changing my life one day at a time

Ok everyone-so its Monday and I'm determined to have a great week! So I'm going to confess my sins of the past week and then put it behind me. Last week I didn't do one minute of exercise. Not one stinkin minute. I ate ok... but didn't count calories or read any labels. There. Now that I've put that out in the open I'm going to say that this week will be better. I started out this morning with a nice bowl of oatmeal. So I already feel like I've made at least one good choice today.

I then stopped at Starbucks (I can not resist the Christmas cups. I simply can not.) I had a grande peppermint mocha. If I did not get this drink I would have a horrible headache right now. I am so addicted to caffeine. I wish I could kick this habit... and trust me I'm going to try-but for now here it is to stay. It is one of the few things that brings me joy on my morning commute. Did I ever mention that my morning commute can take anywhere from 45 minutes-2 hours? Yep. I'm in the car an extremely long time. Because of this I can hardly begrudge myself one little pleasure. But really I should try and limit it or find a smaller calorie option. In New York on the subways they have these anti-obesity ads. They say "Don't drink your calories" or something like that but the picture is really gross. Its a picture of a "snapple-looking" bottle pouring actual fat in to a glass. I try and picture that image when I want a snapple and it works. But when I want a Starbucks no lard in a cup image will stop me.

I'm trying to get back on the band wagon this week... so my goal for the rest of the year is to lose twenty pounds by the time I go home for Christmas. I know this is pretty realistic/tough to do in a little over a months time-but really it is all that I want for my Birthday and for Christmas. My dear friend Heidi offered to help me do a little shopping for clothing that is easy to alter as I lose weight. I'm so excited and looking forward to shopping with her when I'm home for Christmas. I really have the most supportive friends! I'm so thankful for all of you. A few shouts out are in order. Since it is Thanksgiving time I'd like to say I'm thankful for the following:

Sophie for getting her self up extra early and encouraging me to go for a nice walk/jog. She pushed me to run the 5K in June with her and really motivated me every step of the way.

Allison for her daily reminders to work out and for all of the other helpful healthy advice she gives me.

Heidi for constantly encouraging me and really making me feel loved.

Heather for pushing me and motivating me in so many cute ways.

Deanna for being my partner in this weight loss journey. She has committed to join me in my 20 pounds by Christmas challenge!

You girls are so wonderful. I'm so very lucky to have all of you. I'm also thankful for my dear sweet Johnny. He is really learning how to be supportive in my weight loss (in ways that work for me). I love him with all of my heart.

There is so much life to celebrate-I don't want it to pass me by because I'm too fat to enjoy it. Have a great week!

I'll tell you my dirty little secret...

My secret (soon to not be so secret) addiction is chocolate chip cookie dough. I love it so much. To me it is one of the best treats you can ever have. I don't just buy the cheap cookie dough packages... I buy the Whole Foods bakery made frozen cookie dough. I love to keep it in my freezer and snack on a piece of frozen chocolate chip cookie dough whenever I get the urge. John and I have gotten in to medium sized fights over my consumption of cookie dough.

The first fight started because he asked me to make him some cookies using my cookie dough. I told him that the dough in my freezer was not for cooking and I could not make him any cookies. He didn't press me so I thought he gave up. A few days later he asked me the question again. I said oh honey... I told you that dough isn't for cooking. He got a little defensive and said, "Babe, I checked on the package-you can cook them"! He was so serious. I about died laughing. When the chuckling died down I said, "Well of course you can cook them... but I don't. Did you really think that the dough wasn't for cooking"? LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH. I took it too far with this... and John got mad because I had made a fool of him. I kept laughing and he got grumpy. He then proceeded to give me a very important informational discussion about how eating raw cookie dough can give you ecoli or make you really sick. I continued to be a smart ass and told him that I hoped I got ecoli from eating raw cookie dough so that I could lose weight. This theory really makes raw cookie dough a diet friendly food.

Ok so I know the dangers of eating raw eggs are very real... but it is certainly not enough to scare me away from eating raw cookie dough. In fact this post is really only making me crave more cookie dough.  So I went out a couple of days ago and I bought some frozen cookie dough. I know I really shouldn't keep it in the house but I went for it.

After much thought I really think I need to cut out the cookie dough. Eating some of the raw dough alone in my room at night I realized that I was behaving like a crack addict. I was hiding the container in my freezer so John wouldn't see it and I found myself only eating alone.

Why is this little habit so addicting? Do you have habits that are sabotaging your weight loss goals and making you feel like you are hiding something? If I give up eating raw cookie dough... what will you give up?

Oh my Ouch!

Let me ask you something... do you hate yourself? Do you want to punish your body? If the answer to either of those questions is yes-you should do the Bob Harper Inside Out Cardio. My arms are screaming... my legs are crying. They just barely shopped shaking. Today was much better than yesterday. I am really enjoying the yummy apples that I picked from a local orchard. It is so nice to have fresh fruit in the house.

This is me and my cousin Lisa about 7 years ago... I was kinda skinny!

I'm really trying to change my way of thinking. While I'm still not making 100% healthy eating choices I do feel like I am making better choices than I was about a week ago. Its the baby steps after all. I found this picture in my email a couple days ago and it reminded me of a time in my life where I was working out and eating healthy. I felt so good about myself I don't know what happened... but I didn't keep it up. I'm hoping to figure out why I stopped, because as I lose my weight I want to keep it off! 

I am not going to weigh myself this week. While I am very tempted I was advised to wait one more week. I think this is good advice because the first week can be a little misleading. I am about to embark on one of the craziest weeks at work and I am stressed out just thinking about it. While I'm going to be very busy and stressed this week I know it will be hard to keep up with my work outs. I'm hoping that wearing my tennis shoes to work will encourage me to "run" at work. During the Open I actually walked ten miles in one day. 

Another great quote for today, "Happiness is a warm puppy". -Charles Shultz

Abbey is my happiness. 

Quickie...

Hey guys-just a quickie today. I had a rough day... a really rough day. I struggle with depression and today it hit an all time low. I can't explain it only that it sometimes comes on so suddenly and there is absolutely nothing I can do. Today I actually felt the darkness come over me and I lost all motivation for living. I know that isn't a good thing to say out loud but its true. I know that exercise will help but today I was so tired I slept in through my alarm. I just don't have it in me today to do a work out. I know I should but I guess its ok to have an "off" day. I'm certainly hoping to get up tomorrow and start all over. I hope you had better luck than I did. Any motivational words from the Internet?

Queen of Everything-at least everything in my world

Yesterday's post caused quite the stir. It is wonderful to know that I have so many supporters! I'd like to say congratulations to all of you that have lost weight! I am so proud of you for getting healthy-and I really appreciate the inspiration and encouragement.

So here is the thing... I LOVE shoes, I mean seriously I love shoes. One of the reasons I love shoes is that it is so not depressing to shop for shoes. Shoes are fabulous! My shoes don't make me look fat, my shoes still fit if I gain five pounds and shoes are about the only way I can express my style since all of the plus clothing I've seen is AWFUL! I once had a dream to design clothing for plus sized women-maybe one day I'll consider it again, but I think I'd rather help to motivate women to get healthy and wear better clothing.

I've often chuckled (and then cried) about the names of plus sized clothing. Seriously have you ever looked at it... they use names like Goddess and Voluptuous to try and make you feel awesome about being a big girl. Well I've got news for all of you plus size designers-just because I'm a bigger woman doesn't mean that I want to look like an eighty-year old in a pink tiger velour jump suit. GAG! I actually broke down in tears once to this nice clerk at Macy's when I could not find ANYTHING decent in my size. I kept pulling out hideous item after hideous item and I was almost shouting at her because everything was so ugly! The poor woman directed me to the store manager who kindly calmed me down with a snickers bar.

Most plus sized clothing is so awful I'd rather go naked. This is really disturbing for me because I shop at nice stores. I get so excited when I find something at Nordstroms that I'm almost tempted to buy out the item in every color. I'm also short (in skinny world I would be considered a "petite") so when I'm able to find a pair of pants that actually look decent on my caboose they are about a mile too long. I feel like I can never have that nice tailored look because nothing fits just right. If I could fit in to normal sizes I would be able to really show my style. I am most excited to lose weight so I can shop in Anthropology. I love the style of that store and can't wait to spend my money on their expensive clothing. For now I'm stuck shopping at Lane Bryant or in other Fat Lady stores. While I'm discussing this I'd also like to point out how hilarious I think it is that outside of every Lane Bryant there is usually one of two mall carts... one has to do with losing weight/body shapers and the other is selling ice cream or some other fattening delight.

I hate this picture of myself... but this is one of John's favorites. 

I went shopping today and found absolutely nothing-but I guess that's good cause I won't be this size much longer. I'm already starting to notice some firmness in my stomach and legs. I already feel better than I did four days ago. I woke up this morning with no headache and I am feeling very positive about life in general. For my work out today I did the Bob Harper Inside Out Yoga for the Warrior. My trainer Bob actually advises only doing half of the video as a beginner and boy am I glad I listened to him. I was in downward facing dog when he had us do some kind of weird push-up... I heard this really scary noise in my neck and I swear I popped something that hadn't been popped in a long time. Unless my head falls off I think I'll be ok. I like this video as I really like working out with Bob. He takes some very well known yoga moves and offers some nice variations. I've actually never done an awkward airplane before and I found it very challenging. You should definitely head Bob's advice on this one... stick to only half of the video if you are a first timer and slowly work your way up to more.

I haven't been doing great on my eating-but hey-I can only do one thing at a time. haha I did have a cupcake today-but the fact that I only bought one cupcake really seems like a win to me. Prior to this honesty thing I would have probably bought 3 or 4 with intentions of sharing with John... knowing full well I wouldn't share them. What did you do today to make yourself more healthy?

Self doubt-out

It is only day two and already I'm experiencing issues. These issues are bound to keep coming up... and I imagine will continue even when I am "skinny". There are many reasons that I don't have a good self image. But the biggest reason is my big butt-literally.

I have a wonderful boyfriend, he loves me fat, he will love me thin... but I question how much he is attracted to me at this weight. I honestly can not blame him if he thinks I am gross right now. I think I'm very gross and its been a long time since I've felt sexy. My wonderful boyfriend... as kind and wonderful as he is... doesn't have much tact. He is learning but has definitely slipped and made some pretty hurtful comments about my weight. I can't help but wonder sometimes if he would be more proud of me if I was skinny.

I will always wonder about this. It isn't his fault but I've blamed almost ever relationship issue on my weight. This is not only unfair-but I would hope inaccurate. When he took almost a year to introduce me to his family I thought it was because he was waiting for me to lose weight. He is taking forever to propose to me... I blame this on my weight-I believe he is waiting for me to lose weight before he proposes. He will not accept me being his girlfriend on facebook-again I think this is because I'm not skinny so he doesn't want people to see he is dating a fat chick. Look I seriously have no other reason to believe this than my own insecurity-so before you get your pitch forks ready give the guy some slack. He in fact is in love with and dating a fat girl. Does he like my fat butt or my disgusting obesity that is destined to kill me before my time-no, he doesn't. But that doesn't stop him from loving me. I've never dated a kinder more loving man in my life.

Its just after 8:00PM here in New Jersey and I just got home from work. I was too tired this morning to work out so I'm about to select a cardio video from my vast selection. I'll probably do some more Bob Harper Inside Out Method-this time the cardio video. I haven't done all of the videos in the series but so far I really would recommend this one. I like how he offers a 20 minute selection for beginners and an hour long routine for more advanced exercisers. This is great because it could be quite intimidating to muddle through an hour long routine at this weight and strength. But soon I will be ready to conquer more challenging routines.

I'd also like to give a big shout out to one of my besties. Allison is amazing. She is seriously being so supportive to me. Back in May I was training to run a 5K with one of my other girlies and in June I actually ran one-at the time Allison told me that I motivated her to get up and work out every morning. Allison did the Self Three Month Challenge. I hope i can persuade her to write something about that experience later-but anyway she did the three month challenge and she really looks great! So because I motivated her... she is paying it forward to me and motivating me. She gave me some great advice yesterday... one thing I'd like to pass on is this. Alli suggested that I write up my goal on little note cards and leave it through out the house as reminders to me.

I'm going to write a lot of these little reminders... here are a few:
1. 135 BABY!
2. Starbucks-only 2 times a week! (Alli suggested that I cut back on this habit but not eliminate it completely- great and doable advice!)
3. Think about how pissed all of your x-boyfriends will be when they see how sexy you are!
4. Strong is the new Skinny!

If you have any other good ones for me let me know!

I hope you all made healthy choices today... I know I tried.

This time is different

I'm not sure why... but I feel that this time is going to be different. As scary as this is for me... I'm going to invite other people to watch my journey. I've thought about this for a long time and I really see a lot of good reasons to invite others to view my journey. I am so serious about doing this that I called in sick to work today in order to get myself going. In truth I've been having some nasty headaches and I could use some rest... but I think it is all connected to my weight. This past summer I had a period that would not end. I bled for 90 days straight. I'm sorry to be so graphic-but it is what happened. I was subjected to millions of "tests" and proding and they could not find one thing wrong with me. In fact in the end my doctor told me very kindly that I really just needed to lose some weight because the excessive weight put my hormones all out of whack.

First of all it will keep my honest, motivated and accountable. So many countless times I have wanted to get in shape-but something has gotten in the way every time. That "something" has been myself. I have all of the tools that one could possibly need to get in shape. I have all of the motivational fitness books, I have low fat recipes, I have about a million work out dvds with many more available to me for free online! I have NO more excuses.

Second-I really hope to be able to motivate others. I know I am not the first person to have weight problems. I have seen so many people lose large amounts of weight and keep them off. Some of these people have been loved ones and friends... but mostly they have been strangers. I'd like to keep this blog in order for others to see an honest struggle and progression of weight loss.

Third- I need a way to work this all out in my head. I have a large amount of weight to lose. I have over 100 pounds to lose. Just to admit that here scares the shit out of me. But in order to lose weight I really have to be honest with myself. I have to tackle this head on and being in denial about the number is not getting me anywhere. I have almost 150 lbs. to lose. That is so embarassing. How did I let this happen? This is something that I will ask myself every day for the rest of my life. I'm hoping to find at least some answers to my questions here.

So here we go...
Day One: October 28, 2010
Weight: 277
Body Fat: 48%

My current goal is to be at 135 pounds. I say current because I believe that as I lose weight that number may change. But I say 135 because that would be a healthy weight for someone of my height and build. I also have another motivating fact... I'm planning on getting married next summer. That gives me about nine months to lose the weight at about 16 pounds a month. That is actually a very reasonable goal. But we will see how realistic it is when you add in normal life.

Today my exercise was: Bob Harper Inside Out Method (Super Strength) and Biggest Loser Last Chance Workout led by Jillian Michaels. I like these work outs because one is pure strength training and the other is interval training. The Last Chance Workout switches between cardio and weight training. The other good thing is that Inside Out Method has a 20 minutes version and Last Chance Workout is only twenty-five minutes long so there really is no excuse of not having the time. If you'd like to purchase these workout videos you can find it here:My Trainer Bob and Biggest Loser Workout DVD. Check out Bob's website for lots of advice and motivation.

I got a great motivational quote from Real Simple Magazine

“Things start as hopes and end up as habits.”

― Lillian Hellman I'm hoping that this hope of mine ends up as a habit! Happy work out to you!