Self doubt-out

It is only day two and already I'm experiencing issues. These issues are bound to keep coming up... and I imagine will continue even when I am "skinny". There are many reasons that I don't have a good self image. But the biggest reason is my big butt-literally.

I have a wonderful boyfriend, he loves me fat, he will love me thin... but I question how much he is attracted to me at this weight. I honestly can not blame him if he thinks I am gross right now. I think I'm very gross and its been a long time since I've felt sexy. My wonderful boyfriend... as kind and wonderful as he is... doesn't have much tact. He is learning but has definitely slipped and made some pretty hurtful comments about my weight. I can't help but wonder sometimes if he would be more proud of me if I was skinny.

I will always wonder about this. It isn't his fault but I've blamed almost ever relationship issue on my weight. This is not only unfair-but I would hope inaccurate. When he took almost a year to introduce me to his family I thought it was because he was waiting for me to lose weight. He is taking forever to propose to me... I blame this on my weight-I believe he is waiting for me to lose weight before he proposes. He will not accept me being his girlfriend on facebook-again I think this is because I'm not skinny so he doesn't want people to see he is dating a fat chick. Look I seriously have no other reason to believe this than my own insecurity-so before you get your pitch forks ready give the guy some slack. He in fact is in love with and dating a fat girl. Does he like my fat butt or my disgusting obesity that is destined to kill me before my time-no, he doesn't. But that doesn't stop him from loving me. I've never dated a kinder more loving man in my life.

Its just after 8:00PM here in New Jersey and I just got home from work. I was too tired this morning to work out so I'm about to select a cardio video from my vast selection. I'll probably do some more Bob Harper Inside Out Method-this time the cardio video. I haven't done all of the videos in the series but so far I really would recommend this one. I like how he offers a 20 minute selection for beginners and an hour long routine for more advanced exercisers. This is great because it could be quite intimidating to muddle through an hour long routine at this weight and strength. But soon I will be ready to conquer more challenging routines.

I'd also like to give a big shout out to one of my besties. Allison is amazing. She is seriously being so supportive to me. Back in May I was training to run a 5K with one of my other girlies and in June I actually ran one-at the time Allison told me that I motivated her to get up and work out every morning. Allison did the Self Three Month Challenge. I hope i can persuade her to write something about that experience later-but anyway she did the three month challenge and she really looks great! So because I motivated her... she is paying it forward to me and motivating me. She gave me some great advice yesterday... one thing I'd like to pass on is this. Alli suggested that I write up my goal on little note cards and leave it through out the house as reminders to me.

I'm going to write a lot of these little reminders... here are a few:
1. 135 BABY!
2. Starbucks-only 2 times a week! (Alli suggested that I cut back on this habit but not eliminate it completely- great and doable advice!)
3. Think about how pissed all of your x-boyfriends will be when they see how sexy you are!
4. Strong is the new Skinny!

If you have any other good ones for me let me know!

I hope you all made healthy choices today... I know I tried.