How falling off the wagon feels....

I was asked the other day for my blog address. I was embarrassed to tell the inquisitor because I knew that I hadn't updated in quite a while... I started thinking about all of the reasons that I have fallen off the wagon. It all comes down to excuses. I am so damn tired of the excuses that I make for myself. Here is a list of the top ten excuses that I've made:

1. I'm too tired! Sleep is more important than getting up and working out.
2. Its too hot, I can't possibly exert myself in this heat. (This excuse can also work for it being "too cold".)
3. I'll start on Monday! I can't possibly start a fitness regime on a Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday. Cause you know, if I do the world may end.
4. I need to buy a new outfit to work out in... that will encourage me-oh look at those pretty shoes...
5. I'm too depressed to work out. (Damnit, I hate this one! I suffer from depression-but I am proud to say I was able to go off of my meds, by promising my doc that I would work out regularly... oops) This one really pisses me off to no end. I'll tell you why...I know full well that by only doing ten minutes of exercise I will improve my mood dramatically... but when you are feeling depressed it can be nearly impossible to motivate yourself.
6. My ankle/foot is killing me... I better stay off of it.
7. I don't have time... too much to do.
8. I can't work out if I'm not eating healthy, and I need to go and buy a bunch of health food first.
9. Nothing sounds fun! I need to buy a new workout dvd, and then I'll work out. (I currently own about 30, not to mention all of the free ones you can find online.)
10. I need a buddy and then I'll start.

Grrr! I'm so annoyed with myself. I hate being fat. Like- I seriously hate it. I don't identify myself as being fat, and if I could avoid mirrors for the rest of my life I'd probably live in denial. It is very rare for me to sit around and think about how fat I am. In most cases I find myself to be very flirtatious, out going, and bubbly. It is only after these interactions that I sometimes catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think-yuck! The other time I am reminded of my size is during sex. When I'm naked I feel disgusting, I can't hide my body and I feel very self conscious. I am lucky to say that I married a man that loves my body, thinks I'm beautiful, and has learned the "right" and "wrong" things to say to me when I'm this vulnerable, but it doesn't stop me from feeling so unsexy. :(

So what can I do? I've fallen off that damn wagon so many times, and each time I get back on I try and convince myself that this time will be different. How can it be different? What do I need to change to make this time stick? I'm tired of wiping off the wagon wheel marks on my back. I want this time to be different. I know that I say this every time, but seriously-HELP! I have to lose weight. I want to be a mommy so bad but my body is telling me.... NOOOOOO! :( I have to get healthy. So spill it friends... what motivated you to get on the the band wagon and stay on...

My boobs are suffocating me

I'm just going to through this out there... I have big boobs. I have always had big boobs. My boobs have been the envy of some and the desire of a few-but to me they are just in the way. Today while I was working out my boobs actually tried to suffocate me! Seriously! Does anyone else have experience with this? I decided to get my butt off the couch today and I FINALLY turned on Jillian Michaels' Body Revolution (again). I'll get to that later on... but as I was in my living room working out I put my weights over my head to do some triceps press and there it was! My boobs started choking me! I noticed as I was trying my best to keep good form that my boobs were cutting off my breathing.

I'm gonna go ahead and say that I really need to shrink down the size of these bad boys! They have pissed me off for long enough. As a big chested woman, my boobs have always given me problems when I'm working out. I'll never forget the humiliation I suffered in a kickboxing class once when my female teacher actually came up to me and asked me how many sports bras I had to wear! To answer the curious-it depends... usually I can comfortably handle most work outs with two... if I'm running then sometimes three is better. It is totally a pain in the butt-and obviously not very comfortable!

So on to Jillian's Body Revolution... I love this program. I have a hard time sticking with most workout regimes... but I will say that I always find Jillian Michaels and Bob Harpers workouts to be very organized, straight forward, and butt kicking! The thing I love about this program is how convenient it is. I like working out at home and due to recent budget cuts its about all I can afford. I also like how short it is... I mean really-who doesn't have 30 minutes to dedicate to their health every day? I totally recommend this program to anyone that has at least some flexibility and wants to dedicate 90 days to an overall health make over.

Dirty "D" word

I'm going to talk about something today that is sometimes very difficult to talk about. Depression. As someone who has suffered from this for many years I can tell you it is very real-and very difficult to live with. I tend to be pretty open about my life-and I would think that most people that know me well have an idea that I suffer from depression; but there are some that would never guess that I have it. Most days I really try and put on my "happy face". I love to be happy and I really do have a positive outlook on life-but there are some days that leaving my house is a huge struggle. I have at times been open with certain people and have confessed how I was doing on some super low days-- but most of the time I really try and push it away.

I remember hearing from one woman when I was younger that she used to go in her bedroom and cry because she didn't want her children to know that she was having a bad day. It really upset me when I heard this because I thought, "oh come on lady... surely it is better to let your kids know that life isn't perfect and that even mommy has tough days," but now as I'm older I can understand why she wanted to hide that side of herself. Depression has a nasty stigma associated with it. Depression is ugly. No one likes to be around depressed people. Hell, when I get really low I don't even want to be around myself-so I get it.

Depression is heavy. There are times when I feel the weight of depression on my soul like a bolder. So what do I do? I've tried many things! I've tried natural, herbal, and medical pills. I don't feel like listing all of them because I am not a doctor and I can't say that I truly recommend anything that I've taken for long term depression assistance. The one and only thing that has worked for me on any kind of consistent basis without losing myself entirely is exercise!

Exercise is the only cure for my depression. I have done some-albeit limited- research on depression and the one thing that most doctors agree on is that exercise can be used to keep depression in check. I'm completely convinced that all of the nasty hormones that end up in our food have totally messed with our bodies and people who would have no other reason to suffer from depression are finding that depression is knocking on their door.

I won't lie-life is tough. The economy sucks, people are dying every day, and Taylor Swift keeps breaking up with her boyfriends-but when you suffer from a chemical imbalance and depression most days getting out of bed is almost impossible and there is nothing that can make you feel happy-not even Disneyland.

So why am I writing this? Well, I want people to know they are not alone. I want to try and shed some light on this issue for those of you that love someone who suffers from depression-you are not alone. It can be very difficult to love someone who is depressed-it takes a kind heart and a lot of patience. Thankfully my husband has both of those or else he probably would've chucked me a while ago. But-the point I'm really trying to make here is that there is help for depression. There are ways to fight it-and you don't have to suffer alone. I know that in the darkness of depression you feel almost like you will be swallowed up in to it-but there is a way out. Talk to your doctor, talk to a trusted friend-if you think you may be suffering from depression get some help.

Lastly, please don't judge those that suffer from depression-sometimes this stuff is really hard to deal with and we make choices and do things that we wouldn't normally do. Sometimes I make plans and have to cancel last minute because I just can't pull myself together enough to leave the house. I have literally gotten myself ready to go out several times only to cancel last minute because the depression has snuck in and held me back. So if you want to know how to help someone with depression I suggest love. Love them, talk to them, check in on them, help them to feel safe in confiding in you, exercise with them-sometimes they just need that friendly push/pull to get out of that hole.

I'm happy to answer any questions you may have about depression and I will always be a safe place if anyone needs to talk. Don't ever feel alone.

Oops I crapped my pants-seriously!

*Bonus post! Aren't you lucky little readers tonight? :)

This post was started a long time ago... I never finished it-but I feel that I owe you this ridiculous story that truly happened to me. I apologize that there aren't any pictures-but lets be honest-no one should have to see what I saw. I apologize for the swears you are about to read-but when someone is in a predicament like this-I promise you that there are no other words that will come to your mind!

So I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure that being fat really messes with your body. I've had so many issues with my body in the past couple of years and all of my problems can be linked to stress (shocker) and obesity. I've had female problems, hormone issues, stomach problems, dry skin, depression, anxiety, and migraines. I've sat on countless doctor's tables only to be embarrassed by the doctor telling me that if I lost some weight the problem would most likely go away.

So they put me on medications-medications to "fix" the problem or to mask it. One of the medications I'm on has the side effect of weight gain. This really pisses me off. How in the hell can I lose weight when I'm on a pill (to fix a problem caused by obesity) that makes me gain weight.

So tonight I decided that I was going to fight against this pill by going for a little "jog". I was so cool! I had my ipod playing some rockin' tunes, I had my new kicks on and Abbey was on her leash running along side of me. Well as I rounded the corner about a block away from my house it hit me. I had to go to the bathroom-and there was NO TIME to wait. I tried to pick up my speed-but lets be honest... even zombies chasing me couldn't make me run that much faster-especially when I am feeling my stomach exploding with each step.

"Run faster!" I thought... "you'll crap your pants" I was pleading with my body to give it all it had and get me home before I had the biggest and most embarrassing accident of the century. As I turned down my street I could see my apartment only a tenth of a mile away...the sweat was dripping down my face, "come on Jess!" I was screaming at myself... but it was no good.... shhhhhhtttttttttttttt.

I was there outside of my home-running-and it was happening-shit was filling up my drawers. There was nothing I could do to stop it. As the tears ran down my face I waddled the rest of the way home. What could I do? I ripped everything off (once inside of my house) and literally put it in a garbage bag and threw it away. I can't believe that this happened to me-but I am hoping that I am not alone. In a way I think that is why I'm sharing this incredibly embarrassing story with you-in hopes that one of you out there has done this very thing. So please feel free to share! Come on you know you wanna!

When hubs got home that night the first thing I said to him was, "Don't judge me. I shit my pants tonight. I feel that its important that you know that. Cause yeah... I shit my pants. I hope you still love me." I stood there waiting for my husband to be disgusted with me... but it didn't come. Instead he started laughing. We laughed so hard I almost ended up on the floor.

So that was the night that I shit my pants and found out that my husband must really love me.

**I'm no longer on the said weight gaining medication mentioned! HURRAY!!! But I still get nervous about going out for a jog on a bad stomach.

Go For It!

Ok so yesterday I confessed to you that I want to be rad and today I'm unveiling my new motto- GO FOR IT! I'm going to starting Going for it! In everything that I do-I want to do it well, do it with a smile and do it with passion. As a passionate person my lack of "radness" has really started to get me down. I'm finding it hard to remember the last rad thing I did. So here I go. Today I am absolutely certain that I can Go For It!

I learned a lesson about myself last month that I'd like to share with you. In November I was asked to participate in a holiday boutique-specifically I was asked to have a baked goods table. So many thoughts and feelings ran through my mind about doing this. I felt excited, scared, and I doubted my talents. After some major pep talking from the people I trust most-I decided to go for it. And you know what? I found bliss! I absolutely loved baking! In the midst of the joy I was feeling I actually started to feel like I could do anything. I was so caught up in my excitement and passion that I literally started to think that there wasn't a recipe that I couldn't conquer-not a craft I couldn't attempt and not a thing that I could not do.

Unfortunately I started letting in my negative thoughts again and those thoughts attempted to hold me back. Well today with my new motto, "Go For It", those negative thoughts are going to have to hitch a ride back to Negativeville. I'm going to go for it! I have some Valentine's Day crafts that I'm going to share with you. I hope that you will enjoy them and I hope that they will somehow inspire you to Go For It, to really find your own passion, find what moves you and just GO FOR IT!

Oh my gosh-I almost forgot to tell you about a few of my favorite things that are bringing me some happiness during this cold winter!

1. MAC- For many years I have been a devoted Laura Mercier girl, and while I still love Laura... I've decided to add some fun to my life and enjoy the MAC life! My favorite thing from MAC right now is the pigments! I absolutely love these versatile jar of color! It looks like someone broke your eyeshadow and put it into a little jar. You can use them wet, dry, mixed in with other things i.e. clear nail polish, clear lip gloss... anything you can think of. I'm obsessed. My latest purchase is magenta madness-it is basically hot pink! It is so much fun and perfect for Valentines' Day! Don't be afraid of color-rad people are not afraid of color!

 

2. Coconut Oil- Why have I not jumped on this band wagon sooner? I have only been using coconut oil a week and I feel like my skin will never be the same. Coconut oil has evened out my skin tone, it has healed blemishes and overall made my skin glow! I hear that I should be eating at least 1 tablespoon of it today-I'll let you know how this goes. I love it!! I just wish that someone would have told me about it earlier.

3. Groopdealz/Very Jane Ok so you will either love me or hate me for showing you these websites. I hope that you will love me! Groopdealz and Very Jane are daily boutique type websites that have several items available every day at an extremely discounted price. I am addicted to both of these sites and am having so much fun with both of them. I've been able to get a lot of fun anthropology/j crew type jewelry without paying the anthropology/ j crew prices. :) Check them out!!!

4. HomeGoods- Oh HomeGoods! I love you. I can not explain how much fun I have going to HomeGoods! I love to look at all of the creative things I could put in my home. I've decorated and redecorated my apartment in my mind about 50 times during my visits to HomeGoods. I get lots of inspiration and some fun gems in this store and I really can't wait for the day when I have a home to decorate! If you've never been to HomeGoods-do yourself a favor and check it out!

I Just Want to be Rad

Man I want to be rad! I've been thinking about it for a few weeks now and I've come to the conclusion that I just want to be rad. That is really all I want in life. I'm 100% convinced that if I am able to become rad-then I will be happy and healthy. Some of my friends (I swear that I paid them nothing) are actually under the assumption that I am already rad-but honestly ladies-I have a confession: I am so not rad.

I have had a lot of time on my hands during the last several months. This time has given me an opportunity to relax, think and over think every single decision that I've made in my life. Some of the decisions that I have made in my past were edgy, cool and sometimes even hip-but lately I feel like I've got a bad case of the blahs and the blase-ness has taken over any part of me that may have been cool. It is awful to admit this-but I am ready to change.

So I decided that I was going to be rad. I'm not really sure how one becomes "rad", the way I see it some people are just born cool. For me being "rad" looks like this. Ok but seriously lets think about what it means to be rad. According to urban dictionary  rad means:

"really cool, but in a more subtle way. as opposed to extreme orawesome. one of the highest compliments you can give someone. being rad is like being cool without having to work for it. it's like a natural coolness."

 Damn. So how do I go about being rad. Ok so for me this is what "rad" looks like. 

1. Healthy-like I'm the $hit kind of healthy. Like I'm so fit that I don't have to turn down any activity. I want to be strong, have stamina, and be an overall hard ass. 

2. Happy-like sing in the morning kind of happy. I want to wake up in the morning and be happy to be alive. (Currently I am not so happy to be alive most days. In fact I was kinda disappointed that the world didn't end. Kinda joking, kinda not.) 

3. Working in something that makes me incredibly happy and provides me a work life balance that I need. 

4. Organized! Nothing makes me crazier than my unorganized house. I've been working on this, but still haven't gotten to the level of organization that puts my little anxious heart at ease. 

5. Unafraid to try new things. I've really been trying to push myself to try new things. December was a huge month for me because I actually put one of my talents to work and participated in a holiday boutique. I want to keep trying new things-art projects, furniture remodeling, cooking, exercising-anything that has scared me in the past-I want to tackle. There is absolutely no reason that I can't do anything that I put my mind to. (My parents totally rocked that concept in to my head-yet I'm my biggest road block.) 

This all leads me to say... here I go. I'm going to try this blogging thing. When I really think about it-- blogging is the best possible job for me. Think about it... I get to write about all of the things I'm trying and doing-the recipes I'm trying, the movies I'm seeing, the adventures I'm having, the crafts I'm making for my home. The hubs and I had a great converstion about this today and he supports me so much. I've never known another person (other than my parents) that genuiinely wants me to be happy just as much or more than I do. So here I go! I total promise that I will fall down, I will get back up and I will want to quit- but I am going to try. I'm going to try with everything that I have in me. My new full time job is to be rad. So if you have any ideas of ways that I can be rad-or you have some words of encouragement please feel free to give me some feedback. 

Tomorrow I'm going to be coming up with my own personal statement and really make some realistic goals for myself. In the meantime to all of you my wonderful friends-keep on being RAD! 

A Change in the Water

I'm happy to report that I am maintaining my loss of 16 pounds! We've had a crazy month here on the east coast and I am so glad that November is almost over. Between Hurricane Sandy and me getting extremely sick with a cold from hell I haven't worked out all month! This has been bad because ever since I stopped taking my anti-depressant medication working out has been my medicine. So needless to say I find myself somewhat depressed this month and some days have been a real struggle.

It has also been an emotionally challenging month as people are trying to put their homes back in order and many people have lost everything. I've had the opportunity to volunteer in the Helping Hands Command Center which is operated by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Not a shift goes by that I don't hear some of the saddest phone calls. At the Command Center, I take calls from people that were devastated by Sandy and put in work orders for the volunteers to complete. I am humbled by this experience and I constantly walk away counting every single one of my blessings.

One thing I am very thankful for is water. I know this sounds ironic since the hurricane brought powerful surges of water that caused so much damage-but bare with me. I am thankful that I have safe water to drink. I am thankful that I have hot water to shower with (for four days we were without power and I was unable to take a hot shower). I know that there are many in the world without these two luxuries. Drinking more water has become my healthy change of the month! I have always liked water, but sometimes it is difficult to get in all of the water that we should be drinking on a daily basis. I have found a wonderful mix to help with my water consumption. I found this awesome recipe here for mango ginger water. It has proven that it boosts my metabolism and makes me feel great! Check out that blog! The blog is written by a woman that changed her life by changing how she ate. In one year she lost 150 pounds! One of the tools she recommends is a cookbook by Candice Kumai . I have checked this one out from the library and it is full of healthy, simple and delicious recipes. I also bought Kumai's most recent cookbook, Cook Yourself Sexy. I love Cook Yourself Sexy! I have already made several recipes from the book and I am finding that in drinking the water and cooking healthy recipes I'm feeling so good.

I'd like to point out that by eating healthy, and drinking lots of water I lost the stress weight that I gained from going through Sandy, and I've kept it off even though I started a new business venture. My business venture is a cookie business. ha ha I know what you're thinking! How can I possibly bake cookies and lose weight? Well... its hard. But-I am determined. I think part of losing weight is learning to take all things in moderation. You can't deprive yourself from all cookies and treats or you will definitely have a big binge one day. I also hope to be able to eventually learn some healthy cookie recipes that will taste almost as good as the  originals.

Bottoms up! Drink your water!

Help!!! I've fallen.... only a little....

Man oh man! Losing weight is hard to do! The second that life handed me a box of lemons I slipped off the wagon and looked for comfort in my old stand-by: food. I've decided to forgive myself for this past indiscretion-after all I had a really emotional/bad kind of weekend. This realization that I had while I watched myself slip back into this old pattern will help me in my journey. It reminded me that I have to find another way to cope with life and its ups and downs without using food.

Ironically enough that was kind of the topic in weight watchers this week. Everyone was listing ways that you can enjoy your friends/family without food (which is basically the same as getting through the "bads" in life without using food to cope). Some of the suggestions were absolutely absurd-go canoeing, go sailing, etc. but honestly it is so true! I was so bummed out on Saturday so I went and helped a dear friend of mine get her home ready to put on the market. It was a great distraction and I got to spend time with people that I love-all without food!

The good news is that today-when I got news that my Grandma was in the ICU, I didn't reach for food. I actually took a nap and did a work out. This was a great reaction to dealing with the stress and fear and sadness of my Grandma being in the hospital. It also hit me in another way... it got me thinking about my Grandma's health and about my own.

I want to be healthy. I want to be able to run and jump and fly with my children. I want to laugh and shop and play games with my grand kids. I want to be around. I want to have a good life, I want an active life. The best news is that I have the power to give this gift to myself.


So today I was upward and onward- I jumped back on the health wagon. I'm going to start running. I keep saying this-and it is about time I make it happen. I really need to clear my head and I know that running will help me to do this in a very healthy way. I'm still working out with Bob and occasionally Jillian cause I need the weight training. I love the style of their workouts as I don't get as bored doing circuit training. I am really missing Bob's cross fit workouts from his website-but I just can't justify spending the $10/month on being in his club when I don't have a job and I have like 30 work out dvd's.

I have the tools to give myself a healthy life. I just need to remember to use them.

I've Lost Ten Dozen Large Eggs!

So my friends out there-(and my enemies too I suppose)... I've lost 15 pounds! According to a chart I found on Pinterest, that means I've lost Ten Dozen Large Eggs! Isn't that fun?! So how much weight have you lost? I can't wait until I lose a small pony. ha ha ha

This journey has not been easy, but every time I get on the scale and I see a lower number I am reminded that all of my hard work is worth it. I am also reminded that I have a longgg way to go!

I am so thankful for the support that I have from my wonderful husband and family and friends. I am also extremely grateful that I lost my job. I have been able to get my life back in order. I've been able to take control of my mental and physical health. I've been able to see that I matter. While on this journey of weight loss, I'm also hoping to find myself as a mother. I feel as if the body I am building and changing is preparing me to be a better mother, wife and friend. I haven't felt this strong in years. I feel like there is nothing that I can't do. I used to avoid taking stairs so that I wouldn't be out of breath and embarrassed-now I take them with no fear!

Part of me was hoping that I would be seeing more drastic weight losses on the scale each week, but honestly I think that the gradual way in which I'm losing the weight will just help me to keep it off. I keep dreaming of my 50 pounds of weight loss prize and I'm working so hard to get it!

Let me sing praises to MyFitnessPal!

Who ever created this ap deserves all of my love and adoration! If you are trying to lose weight this can be one of the best tools. I'd heard about this ap from many people before I finally jumped on the bandwagon. I thought I didn't need it-I thought... eh, I am on weight watchers and I have a hard enough time tracking my food there-so how could this ap be any different.

Well people somehow this ap is different. I think its partly because the food database is so large (which makes it easy to track my calories) and partly because my friends and family are using it so it motivates me to keep tracking because they are.

I really have to dedicate at least part of my weight loss to this little gem of an ap! So far I have lost 14 pounds! I am so thrilled about this. My clothing is fitting looser and looking better. I have more energy and I feel stronger. I still have a long ass way to go-but at least I am moving in the right direction. Did I tell you that I am getting my groove back? I'm a flirt and it feels great to be back in my groove.

I do have to add a small disclaimer.... MyFitnessPal alone will not solve your weight issues. You actually have to watch your calories, you actually have to work out-and not just park far away in the parking lot-you have to sweat, you have to move and you have to do it 4-6 times a week. I have worked hard for those 14 pounds. Not one of them just melted off of me-but, it is so worth it!

Happy Monday! Lets have a healthy week!

Fat is whack-not PHAT!

This sh*t is working! I'm sorry for the swear-but to me it is the only way I can completely express my excitement without being there in front of your face. For the past two years I have literally been the same weight. No matter how well I tracked my weight watchers points, no matter how much exercise I did (even training for and running a 5K) the number on the scale wouldn't budge. I can't even describe the disappointment and discouragement that I felt from being stuck on stupid. Thanks to some very significant life changes (losing my job) I have been given a gift to change my life.

I started really focusing on my weight about nine weeks ago. My family's Biggest Loser competition has helped me to break my two year slump and to actually start losing weight! I have tormented my body in so many ways (yes I consider putting so much extra weight on to be torment)-but the best torture that I've ever put it through is to push myself through Bob Harper's Inside-Out Method workouts. After three weeks of my intense focus I have lost 12 pounds and several inches, I feel stronger, look better naked and have more energy!

I have always described myself as a skinny girl trapped in a fat girl's body. I love to flirt! I flirt with everyone. Well the saddest part about my weight gain was that I really lost my confidence to flirt. This weight has held me back, stopped me from feeling comfortable in my own skin and has completely blocked me from being me. Well no more! Look out! I am finally getting me back. My husband is getting the wife that he fell in love with. I feel good. I've been flirting and smiling and just feeling so happy. I encourage all of you skinny girls that are trapped in a fat girl's body to get up and do something about it.

I got some backlash (even a smack on the head from Soph) from a comment that I made in my Weight Watchers meeting on Saturday-but I absolutely believe its true. I said, "Get addicted to working out." My wonderful leader-Leanore-was leading the group through a discussion about our "self-sabotaging" behaviors. As I sat there and listened to people listing their behaviors that landed them in weight watchers it occurred to me that all of the behaviors involved an addiction to food. I have fought that addiction for most of my life. I used food as a celebration, I used food to make me feel good, I used food as a way to be "sneaky", I used food to cheer me up when I was sad or feeling rejected. Well now-I'm starting to use exercise instead of food. I say starting because I feel like I still have a long way to go. I still don't think my eating is that great-I'm just tracking my calories better. But that's what this is all about. Life is a journey, life is a dance and life is fun!

Bob will push you and your muscles farther than you ever thought possible...

Damn straight! I can barely even move my arms right now and my inner thighs burn when I walk. I stopped getting the results I wanted the last two weeks so I decided that I needed to step up my workouts. I pulled my Bob Harper Inside Out Method dvd's out and wiped off the dust this week. I started yesterday off with the Body Rev Cardio Conditioning and I plan on being even more sore tomorrow from that work out. I'm convinced that it should be renamed "Squatters Hell", it would be much more appropriate-although I will tell you this... it worked! I was already down a pound from doing this workout yesterday so I'm looking forward to my results at the end of the week.

I have always been a Bob Harper fan, he never disappoints! I am always happy with the workout that I get from him. I think its very important to revisit your health goals on a weekly basis as you sometimes need to make changes here and there to keep challenging yourself. If I can move my arms tomorrow I'm going to do Bob's Yoga Warrior workout and I will totally have earned it! Yoga has been a huge part of my fitness journey this time around. Yoga makes me feel stronger and more alive. If you haven't tried yoga in a while I absolutely think you should give it a try again. There is something so incredible about yoga that I don't think I'll ever be able to explain.

My goal for this week is to limit my carb intake. I was looking back at my past couple of weeks and it seems that I was almost on a carb overload! I was staying within my caloric intake goals but not all calories are created equal. Ouch! I just readjusted myself to become more comfortable and my legs are not happy about it.

I hope that you are all having a great week! Its only Tuesday so if you haven't gotten in any good workouts this week you still have time to get your burn in!

Finally Making Progress

Have you ever watched the Biggest Loser and thought... damn, I could be on that show! Well I have thought that several times--so I packed up my fat a$$ after some coxing from my husband and other loved ones and went to Philly. I didn't really think that I would be chosen as a contestant and I was right. However going to the audition showed me how lucky I am to have the support of my family and friends on this journey.

Not being picked to be on the show actually motivated me to get my act together. I called on my family to participate in the Biggest Loser Competition with me. I'm so freaking lucky because my family seriously rocks. We are all at different places in our "healthy" journey-but they were all so quick to jump on board with my challenge and support me. Since I'm currently out of work I am the game master... I get the weekly weigh in numbers from everyone and pass it along to the group. We all signed up on MyFitnessPal which I have found to be one of the most helpful things in my weight loss journey.

For me the key to success has been tracking my calories in and out. So far I've lost 7.5 pounds and I am already feeling so much better. I truly believe that God has a plan for my life and since I've been out of work I've really had the opportunity to get my life back and to take my health into my own hands. When I was working, I was so miserable that not matter how hard I tried I couldn't lose the weight. With the extra time on my hands I'm able to devote more time to exercise and I've even been able to get back in to yoga-which makes me feel incredible!

No big secrets on this weight loss journey... just not giving up and really tracking the ins and outs of my daily calorie intake. How are you doing on your weight loss journey?

Jillian Michaels Body Revolution

Well here we go again-the thing that is different this time is that I am going to do this. I got my Body Revolution DVD's in the mail on Saturday and after reading over all of the information included in the program I was ready to begin my serious journey.

I started Phase 1 with workout 1 & cardio 1 today. I felt awesome all day-more energy, more positive and hopeful. I know I will be sore tomorrow but this is what it is going to take in order for me to change my life for once and for all!

Jillian is one of my all time favorite trainers. She is so tough! But the thing I love about her is that you can see how much she really cares. I saw a funny pin on pinterest  that reminded me why I love/fear her so much.

Source: fuckyeahfitspo.tumblr.com via Jessica on Pinterest

I try and think of this every time I'm doing one of her workouts.

John absolutely loves Jillian. He used to get so pumped when she was beating up the fat people on the Biggest Loser. I secretly think he wishes she would come to our house and whip us both in to shape. This would be one of my biggest nightmares... but that is exactly why I went and purchased her new program. I believe in her. I have seen her formula work and I am hoping it will work for me.

Ok so besides doing Jillian Michaels Body Revolution which is a 90 day program (similar to P90X I'm assuming) in which you go through phases of dvd's which contain strength and cardio workouts I am also using Weight Watchers to get a handle on my eating. There is a suggested diet included in Jillian's program... but it isn't super realistic for me to eat exactly what I'm told every single day.

I have my "Before" pictures taken but I will not be posting them until the end of phase 1 so that I have something better to post in comparison. I'll keep you posted!

I did it! I lost 50 pounds!

     Psyche! Double super psyche! I haven't lost a dime. Not a single cent. But wow... I've learned a lot!

     First things first... I love to dance. Absolutely love it. Dancing really could have quite easily become my life. Many years ago I was a dancer. My mom put me in ballet and tap and I even dabbled in baton twirling. I loved it! But I was a very perceptive child. As the oldest of four, I seemed to have a better sense of our family problems. I had heard my parents stressing about money and so I decided to take it upon myself to relieve them of the burden of paying for my dance classes by quitting dance when we moved to a new city. In speaking to my parents years later they were sad to find out that I'd given up dancing for the "family" and assured me that if I had wanted to continue in it then they would have made it happen. I'm sad that I gave it up then-but I am so happy that it is still giving me joy after all these years. Dancing makes me feel alive and light and beautiful. I've been playing Just Dance 2 and Zumba (wii) and I have never laughed so hard and enjoyed a work out so much before.

     Second thing I've learned-I can go without caffeine! I have completely given it up! I noticed that it was really making me feel shaky in combination with the zoloft so I decided that I had to give up the caffeine cold turkey. I had some headaches but it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Now if I could only kick my daily Starbucks addiction, then I may actually lose some weight from changing this habit. Baby steps....

     Third- I am getting married!!! It isn't far away either. We have chosen July 9, 2011 as our wedding day. This is really all the motivation a girl could need to lose weight. I certainly have all of the tools that I need. I got a BodyBugg for Christmas from my parents and if I could just get on track with tracking my food then it would really help me. I really have no choice but to man up to things. I don't want to be fat. I want to be thin. I want to feel sexy and healthy and GORGEOUS on my wedding day. To achieve this best I would like to lose weight. I'm not going to put a number out there. I've decided that when I don't reach my goal it is that much more depressing... so I'm deciding on a dress. I have this beautiful pink summer dress that I really want to wear to my rehearsal dinner. I feel so pretty in it but it is a size 14. So that is my target.

     Fourth- Setting goals for this year is actually kind of fun. One of my other goals is that I am going to run the New Milford 5K again this year. By June I really hope to be in near wedding shape so it should be much easier to run the 5K this year than it was last year.

     I promise to be better at this blogging... its just that the year had a rough start for me. I feel much more on track now and I am begging for your motivation, love and support. Thank you!

I did it!!!

For some reason this did not get posted last week... so I'm posting it now. I most certainly did not get up and walk this morning. I've been sick for two days. :(

Ok so I'm all about celebrating the small stuff-and believe you me this is small-but celebration worthy! I got up this morning at 5:30 and went for a mile long walk. What a difference it made in my day! Thank you Sophie and Abbey for being my walking partners.

I've also recently started taking zoloft (or some form of it) for my depression. I started Saturday morning and felt like there were butterflies in my whole body shaking it up. I was told that it may make me a little irritable and jittery... so it was not unexpected. However I didn't like the feeling so I looked at my day to see if I had done anything that would make me feel like that. I realized that I had two cups of coffee plus the zoloft no wonder I was a wreck! So for two days now I haven't had any coffee. I actually haven't had any really bad headaches yet so I'm hoping I can quit it. Its just hard cause I love it so! But I am starting to feel more like myself. I've been depressed so long I really forgot how it felt to be happy. I actually feel much more motivated than I felt last week so I'm hoping this week turns out better than last.

One important thing about weight loss is just to get more active. I'm trying to build in more actions in to my daily routine. I'm also starting to eat much healthier. I subscribed to this cool thing called Suburban Organics  and every week I get a fresh delivery of in season fruit and vegetables. I hope you are all doing well on your journey.

Changing my life one day at a time

Ok everyone-so its Monday and I'm determined to have a great week! So I'm going to confess my sins of the past week and then put it behind me. Last week I didn't do one minute of exercise. Not one stinkin minute. I ate ok... but didn't count calories or read any labels. There. Now that I've put that out in the open I'm going to say that this week will be better. I started out this morning with a nice bowl of oatmeal. So I already feel like I've made at least one good choice today.

I then stopped at Starbucks (I can not resist the Christmas cups. I simply can not.) I had a grande peppermint mocha. If I did not get this drink I would have a horrible headache right now. I am so addicted to caffeine. I wish I could kick this habit... and trust me I'm going to try-but for now here it is to stay. It is one of the few things that brings me joy on my morning commute. Did I ever mention that my morning commute can take anywhere from 45 minutes-2 hours? Yep. I'm in the car an extremely long time. Because of this I can hardly begrudge myself one little pleasure. But really I should try and limit it or find a smaller calorie option. In New York on the subways they have these anti-obesity ads. They say "Don't drink your calories" or something like that but the picture is really gross. Its a picture of a "snapple-looking" bottle pouring actual fat in to a glass. I try and picture that image when I want a snapple and it works. But when I want a Starbucks no lard in a cup image will stop me.

I'm trying to get back on the band wagon this week... so my goal for the rest of the year is to lose twenty pounds by the time I go home for Christmas. I know this is pretty realistic/tough to do in a little over a months time-but really it is all that I want for my Birthday and for Christmas. My dear friend Heidi offered to help me do a little shopping for clothing that is easy to alter as I lose weight. I'm so excited and looking forward to shopping with her when I'm home for Christmas. I really have the most supportive friends! I'm so thankful for all of you. A few shouts out are in order. Since it is Thanksgiving time I'd like to say I'm thankful for the following:

Sophie for getting her self up extra early and encouraging me to go for a nice walk/jog. She pushed me to run the 5K in June with her and really motivated me every step of the way.

Allison for her daily reminders to work out and for all of the other helpful healthy advice she gives me.

Heidi for constantly encouraging me and really making me feel loved.

Heather for pushing me and motivating me in so many cute ways.

Deanna for being my partner in this weight loss journey. She has committed to join me in my 20 pounds by Christmas challenge!

You girls are so wonderful. I'm so very lucky to have all of you. I'm also thankful for my dear sweet Johnny. He is really learning how to be supportive in my weight loss (in ways that work for me). I love him with all of my heart.

There is so much life to celebrate-I don't want it to pass me by because I'm too fat to enjoy it. Have a great week!

I'll tell you my dirty little secret...

My secret (soon to not be so secret) addiction is chocolate chip cookie dough. I love it so much. To me it is one of the best treats you can ever have. I don't just buy the cheap cookie dough packages... I buy the Whole Foods bakery made frozen cookie dough. I love to keep it in my freezer and snack on a piece of frozen chocolate chip cookie dough whenever I get the urge. John and I have gotten in to medium sized fights over my consumption of cookie dough.

The first fight started because he asked me to make him some cookies using my cookie dough. I told him that the dough in my freezer was not for cooking and I could not make him any cookies. He didn't press me so I thought he gave up. A few days later he asked me the question again. I said oh honey... I told you that dough isn't for cooking. He got a little defensive and said, "Babe, I checked on the package-you can cook them"! He was so serious. I about died laughing. When the chuckling died down I said, "Well of course you can cook them... but I don't. Did you really think that the dough wasn't for cooking"? LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH. I took it too far with this... and John got mad because I had made a fool of him. I kept laughing and he got grumpy. He then proceeded to give me a very important informational discussion about how eating raw cookie dough can give you ecoli or make you really sick. I continued to be a smart ass and told him that I hoped I got ecoli from eating raw cookie dough so that I could lose weight. This theory really makes raw cookie dough a diet friendly food.

Ok so I know the dangers of eating raw eggs are very real... but it is certainly not enough to scare me away from eating raw cookie dough. In fact this post is really only making me crave more cookie dough.  So I went out a couple of days ago and I bought some frozen cookie dough. I know I really shouldn't keep it in the house but I went for it.

After much thought I really think I need to cut out the cookie dough. Eating some of the raw dough alone in my room at night I realized that I was behaving like a crack addict. I was hiding the container in my freezer so John wouldn't see it and I found myself only eating alone.

Why is this little habit so addicting? Do you have habits that are sabotaging your weight loss goals and making you feel like you are hiding something? If I give up eating raw cookie dough... what will you give up?

Oh my Ouch!

Let me ask you something... do you hate yourself? Do you want to punish your body? If the answer to either of those questions is yes-you should do the Bob Harper Inside Out Cardio. My arms are screaming... my legs are crying. They just barely shopped shaking. Today was much better than yesterday. I am really enjoying the yummy apples that I picked from a local orchard. It is so nice to have fresh fruit in the house.

This is me and my cousin Lisa about 7 years ago... I was kinda skinny!

I'm really trying to change my way of thinking. While I'm still not making 100% healthy eating choices I do feel like I am making better choices than I was about a week ago. Its the baby steps after all. I found this picture in my email a couple days ago and it reminded me of a time in my life where I was working out and eating healthy. I felt so good about myself I don't know what happened... but I didn't keep it up. I'm hoping to figure out why I stopped, because as I lose my weight I want to keep it off! 

I am not going to weigh myself this week. While I am very tempted I was advised to wait one more week. I think this is good advice because the first week can be a little misleading. I am about to embark on one of the craziest weeks at work and I am stressed out just thinking about it. While I'm going to be very busy and stressed this week I know it will be hard to keep up with my work outs. I'm hoping that wearing my tennis shoes to work will encourage me to "run" at work. During the Open I actually walked ten miles in one day. 

Another great quote for today, "Happiness is a warm puppy". -Charles Shultz

Abbey is my happiness. 

Quickie...

Hey guys-just a quickie today. I had a rough day... a really rough day. I struggle with depression and today it hit an all time low. I can't explain it only that it sometimes comes on so suddenly and there is absolutely nothing I can do. Today I actually felt the darkness come over me and I lost all motivation for living. I know that isn't a good thing to say out loud but its true. I know that exercise will help but today I was so tired I slept in through my alarm. I just don't have it in me today to do a work out. I know I should but I guess its ok to have an "off" day. I'm certainly hoping to get up tomorrow and start all over. I hope you had better luck than I did. Any motivational words from the Internet?